Most people who know me would be very surprised to learn I have a real cursing problem.

I curse like a sailor.

I can curse you up one wall down the other.

And then  sprinkle a few on top for posterity.

I have not recently felt very bad about this. It was one of the few flaws I allowed myself to have and not seek immediate remedy for….until i realized how telling it was of much deeper sins and conflict with my nature as a christian.  Slowly it has become a revelation, how much repair I am in need of,  in my walk with Christ. I think I have been deliberately ignoring my spiritual self because I lack a  home church. My family has visited many houses of worship since I have been here but none did the Lord call my home. It seems, with out the frequent gathering with other christians I have allowed my self to wander.

Strangely enough the thing that put this problem in the forefront was a seemingly small one. I am ,and have always been, reluctant to discuss my faith with others. Not because of uncertainty or a lack of knowledge. Not because of doubt or lack of certainty in salvation but because I was raised not to speak of religion or politics with others. I was told while growing up “Never discuss religion or politics with friends…if you want to keep them.” Thisfallacy  has stuck with me. it has just enought truth to sound good a reasonable, yet is truly insidious in the way it destroys the Gospel. All 29 years it has been a silent companion making me feel as though I am doing something wrong by sharing the Gospel. Causing me to feel like a liar when speaking the truth. Feeling like an imposter. As though I am a child playing dress up. Do not confuse this with confusion about my salvation I remember clearly the day I chose salvation. I know where I will spend eternity. But. But. But. I believed a lie and allowed myself to drift.

Finally I can see that this  is a li,e meant to keep the keepers of the faith silent. It is a lie believed and based as all lies are, in fear. It is a lie in direct opposition to Our instructions from Christ. We are COMMANDED to spread the Good News. We are COMMANDED to lift our voices and proclaim God’s truths.  Here I am struggling with my many deep flaws. Searching for a home church. Hoping the church we visit this Sunday calls home.

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