Category: my life


When I almost Lost them

where's the back door where's the front door where's the battery where's the impact

I am having a slow-mo melt down right now. Mom is badly injured but, barring infection, with surgery will make a very good recovery. It will be painful and slow but she will be okay. Lillian is fine, a little clingy and an abrasion near her neck, but really A-Okay. Now that the crisis is over, insurance called, contingency plans up and running I can freak out. My mom and daughter could have died today.

I got a call at 10:15 this morning that started like this “Ms. Townsend? This is Lori the Social worker for Cooke Children’s blah blah blah blah blah blah” My brain had stopped processing after the words “social worker from Cooke’s.”  At that moment I had 3 kids in three locations and could not process that one of them was so bad off that the social worker was the one who called me. Scenario after scenario ran through my mind, Alex my wanderer had wandered and been found hurt, my Pie had a peanut exposure at school, Mom and Lillian were in an accident……. In those few seconds I played over sooooo many worst case scenarios my mind literally froze. I could not process.

Only the most basic thing came to me. I was at my desk on a cell; I had to get the phone away from the customer data. The walk to the lobby took less than a minute but allowed time to give the appearance of “having pulled it together”.  There was only one more break in the calm after she told me one of my worst fears, that Mom and Lilly were in an accident and Mom might have been seriously injured. The singular break came when I had to tell my boss why I was leaving. There was no debate just a directive to go take care of my family. It took a few minutes to get the overriding, all-consuming emotions of desperation, hysteria and undiluted terror under control again.

From that moment I moved forward with the end goal insight. Get to my baby, ensure her safety and well-being, get to my mom, assess evaluate and find the game plan to care for her. Gather my 2 big kids, make sure they stay safe. Now, once all of the practicalities have been worked out, kiddos safe, mom care plan under way, transportation arranged for pie; now I can finally feel what was too overwhelming to feel. I can panic and worry and be terrified at the realization for how close I came to losing my mom and baby. I can shake and cry and vomit and blubber.

The Crisis is over and we are in the long haul of recovery but the feelings of schok dismay anger worry disbelief panic terror and helplessness are left over to be dealt with. And slowly but surely they will be dealt with. One day I won’t check Lillian’s harness 3 times to be sure she’s safe. I won’t check all of my mirrors repeatedly and my heart won’t race if I’m over the speed limit just the tiniest fraction. I won’t freeze at the sight of an unrecognized number on my caller ID. I know I will recover because of all of the people who showed up and stepped up to the plate. I know they won’t allow me to be a fearful parent. They will make sure I am able to again be brave and courageous for myself and my family. They won’t abandon us when it gets hard; they have shown when it gets hard they will cling tighter.  They will pray, and talk, and joke, and help until we are all okay.

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Where have I been?

Playing on Facebook as Kendra and not flying mom. LOL

In truth I needed a LOA from the kitchen. But as the Holidays approach, I am returning to the kitchen but finding my Joie de vivre in the kitchen diminished. I’ve kind of been in a funk. Not depressed just e

I branched out on many creative projects this summer. refinishing a dining room table, re-finishing my desk I still have to do the hutch and find a lateral file that I like.  Hair, Hair, and more Hair. Got a promotion of sorts at the JOB. And my work schedule did more backflips than I can name. I still have to reupholster 2 wingback chairs; but I haven’t found the fabric of my dreams for them yet. Oh and I started writing my book.

I generally just been a mom. A busy woman. Overworked and underpaid but God has seen me through everything. All that my family needs has been met. We have but to ask and the Lord has provided. While I have been away from my blog I have been blessed.

In spite of my funk I have decided to be grateful in ALL that I have been blessed. Will I blog more recipes, who knows? I have got a yummy enchilada and refried bean recipe I may share. If not, know that I am enjoying the people, times, things, and life that are my heaven sent blessings.

 

Sorry about the delay in postings. I have been working like a mad woman at my day Job we’re talking almost 100 hours in the last pay period… and I went on vacation… and I still have to cook every item from scratch. ALL of those lovely excuses to say I am sorry for being gone. I need to write my recipes and I really need to share them via my blog. If I don’t I start fitting them into random conversations, commenting on other’s blogs, thinking about them at my desk, and generally being obsessive. LOL

SO I the next few days we will have a Chocolate Cheesecake recipe; gluten, dairy and soy free.

How to make Nut based cream cheese that will work in your baking!! woo hoo on that one.

“More allergen free products that make my kitchen run”

“What not to name the baby” and boy have i got some doosey’s.

As well as “Why I do what not to name the baby”…. it’s not about being mean, nasty or cruel.

So a busy week coming up for the blog. And again I apologize for being away. I hope you can forgive me.

A small problem

Most people who know me would be very surprised to learn I have a real cursing problem.

I curse like a sailor.

I can curse you up one wall down the other.

And then  sprinkle a few on top for posterity.

I have not recently felt very bad about this. It was one of the few flaws I allowed myself to have and not seek immediate remedy for….until i realized how telling it was of much deeper sins and conflict with my nature as a christian.  Slowly it has become a revelation, how much repair I am in need of,  in my walk with Christ. I think I have been deliberately ignoring my spiritual self because I lack a  home church. My family has visited many houses of worship since I have been here but none did the Lord call my home. It seems, with out the frequent gathering with other christians I have allowed my self to wander.

Strangely enough the thing that put this problem in the forefront was a seemingly small one. I am ,and have always been, reluctant to discuss my faith with others. Not because of uncertainty or a lack of knowledge. Not because of doubt or lack of certainty in salvation but because I was raised not to speak of religion or politics with others. I was told while growing up “Never discuss religion or politics with friends…if you want to keep them.” Thisfallacy  has stuck with me. it has just enought truth to sound good a reasonable, yet is truly insidious in the way it destroys the Gospel. All 29 years it has been a silent companion making me feel as though I am doing something wrong by sharing the Gospel. Causing me to feel like a liar when speaking the truth. Feeling like an imposter. As though I am a child playing dress up. Do not confuse this with confusion about my salvation I remember clearly the day I chose salvation. I know where I will spend eternity. But. But. But. I believed a lie and allowed myself to drift.

Finally I can see that this  is a li,e meant to keep the keepers of the faith silent. It is a lie believed and based as all lies are, in fear. It is a lie in direct opposition to Our instructions from Christ. We are COMMANDED to spread the Good News. We are COMMANDED to lift our voices and proclaim God’s truths.  Here I am struggling with my many deep flaws. Searching for a home church. Hoping the church we visit this Sunday calls home.